Merely a Love life

******I want to make a few things clear to the viewers of my blog. First off I did not reveal any of the names of the women I been involved with for privacy reasons. Neither will I if asked to. Everyone has a right to their privacy and I dont have the authority to invade theirs. Therefore I deem that the names of these women are strictly confidential and protected******



This is a subject that I have often lied about the most just to impress people. Mainly because it always seemed like I was 3 steps behind of every one else. I felt embarassed because I would hear my friends talk about their experience(s)with girls and I would be the only one with no story. Im the shy type. I never talked to any girls until about 8th grade. But I did experience a kiddie love affair with this one girl that annoyed me at the time. I remember that girl very well. Honestly looking back, she was pretty and had these beautiful eyes. One time at Breakfast she kissed me on my cheek. I dont remember her name but she surely wasnt my type from my 6/7 year old eyes. I didnt like her at all. She had this annoying voice that I couldnt stand. I had to see her everyday in school and on the school bus in elementary school. She said she liked me I hated it and her father actually waved hi to me everyday at her bus stop. Everyday she developed these "signature moves" if you will. When she got off the bus, she would walk to her father, blow a kiss at me, point at me and her father would wave hi. Then one day in the lunchroom, I was eating breakfast and the teachers escorted her to sit next to me. I prayed that they wouldn't put her next to me and dammit they did. Ohhh I hated that so much. She said "I want to sit next to my baby" which made me more angry and resistant. She said "I Love you Eddie" in front of the teachers and kissed me on my cheek. I was so embarassed and the teachers laughed and said "awwwwwwwwwwwww". I was so embarassed I got up and went to the bathroom. I wiped my face from the spot she kissed me and I sat at a different table. I guess that after she kissed me, the teachers explained to her that kissing isnt such a good thing for a girl her age b/c later that morning she came to my class with a teacher and apologized for kissing me. She then gave me a hug which I actually enjoyed very much. Back then I wasn't into girls and I thought kissing girls was kind of nasty. You know from my point of view back then as a 6 or 7 year old, I thought all girls were ugly but now looking back and remembering, she was adorable. It was a kiddie love affair that I will keep dear to my heart and memory as long as I live.

Now in Junior High School during Freshman year I didnt have any type of sexual feelings or urges for girls at all. I just never imagined it, neither did I care about it. Then in 7th grade I felt so belittled. I felt so ashamed and rotten. I will explain why. There was this beautiful girl in my 7th grade class that I happened to like. We were all in class and waiting for the teacher to come. I told one of the kids that I liked the girl and then the bastard said "oooooo Edwin likes (whatever her name was)" over and over. The whole class started laughing. I was embarassed but I looked up and remained neutral. The girl said "who EDWIN????? Fuck outta here wit his uglyass. He probably never had a girlfriend" Then the class laughed and others jumped in to make fun of my clothing and my face. The class laughed at me and then the teacher walked in. Very shitty timing on the teacher part, if only she was there sooner....I felt so humiliated and embarassed. I sank into a temporary depression and I didn't speak to any of my classmates. I would just walk in and stay quiet. If someone asked me for a pen I wouldnt respond b/c I felt betrayed and hurt. Im not implying that 7th Grade was crap all around but that did hurt me alot mentally and my confidence to approach a girl was thrown in the drain before I even developed it. I guess that plays a part in my insecurity today. So in 8th grade I really started to become more attracted to girls more then ever. I started to stare at girls asses and breasts lol. My goodness I was a horny little guy hahaha. When I would see a attractive girl pass by me or in my visionary, I would be like "wow I wish she was my girl" in my mind. Then around May of my senior year in J.H.S. I liked this gorgeous mexican girl. I was so frightened and scared to walk up to her and say that I liked her. My Friend said "dont be a pussy. If you like her tell her she ain't gonna bite you. The worst she could say is no and if she does say no then just say ok and walk away." So during 7th period that Friday I walked through the halls during passing time and saw her alone waiting for class to start. I walked up to her, my heart exploding and feeling like I was about to piss my pants. I said "Hey whats up?" "She said nothing im good and you?" I said "fine just fine" I paused for about 2 mins and she said "I guess I see you later im going into class". I actually "grew some balls" and said "wait...uhhh.uhhh... look ummm I came to tell you that I like you and that I wanna know if you would be my girlfriend?" When I saw her expression I thought she was gonna walk away. It was the first time I went up to a girl and said that. but it was nothing of what I expected. She smiled and giggled and said "well, let me think about it" and I said ok. Gosh I felt so good. She didn't flat out say no. It wasn't so bad afterall. All she said was that she would think about it. It wasnt hard as I thought it would be to just walk up to a girl and say "I Like You". But sadly she didn't give me a response to my proposal until "autograph day" which was the day seniors hung out in the 4th floor gym all day and get your autograph book signed. I went up to her and she gave me her book and i gave her mine. I wrote to her saying that "I really liked you what happened? I then wrote I hope you do good in High School. And she wrote in my book "Hey Edwin, I really didnt get a chance to know you that well to really give you an answer when you asked me out. Hope you do good in High school and I will miss you. Love you always, (blank). so I accepted that we werent going to happen so I let her go.
Now my Freshman year in High School was good. I came to liking school very much. My first year of High School, my Mom forced me to ride the school bus because she was too scared to let me go to school alone. On the bus was a girl. She attended the school across from Dewey. She was soooooo in love with me. My goodness everytime I would get on the bus she would say "Eddie boooo". and the others would laugh. I admit I loved the attention but it did get annoying after a while. So one day I sat in the bus and she came to sit next to me. I was always avoiding eye contact because I didnt know what was going to happen. So she would talk and I would respond yea, oh really, ok, sure, i see, oo wow. you know short responses..Then she grabbed my hand and placed it on her thigh. omg I was nervous, excited and didnt wanna be involved with her at the same time. But I can't front, I liked it. I kept sliding my hand off her thigh but she would always take my hand and place it back. Now some people would jump to the conclusion that if im resisting a girl's flirtyness then that must mean im gay. But honestly im not at all. Im 100% straight. I just didn't want to do nothing with her. She then placed my hand on her ass and I cant lie it was a nice ass lolsz. Then she literally begged me to kiss her. I was so scared and she kept getting closer and she put her hand on ma dick. So I said ok what the hell. So we kissed and after we stopped she was sooo happpy and she was telling her friend "we kissed girl omg he kissed me" she was sooo happy I was like wow this girl is feening. She asked if I can tongue kiss her and I said yea. So we tongue kissed for a while and then stopped. She was in love with me ever since. I never had a thing for her but I cant lie it was one hell of an interesting ride home.

Sophomore year was different. It was better. I met this gorgeous woman who I will not name. She was absolutely gorgeous to me. I was so nervous to ask her out. It's so funny because the first week of school we would leave school together and the way we looked at each other clearly defined how much we liked each other. So one night I said to myself I gotta ask her tomorrow, I gotta ask her tomnorrow. So it was the end of the day and we were on the bus chillin. We started looking at each other and smiling. I then grabbed her hand and she blushed and wouldnt look at me. She wass all red faced while I was trying to find the right words to say. So I came out and said "You know I like yuh right?" and she said yes. I asked her did she like me and she shook her head yes. I then said "So whats good will you be my girl?" She said yes!!!!! I Was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy inside. But I played it off smooth. So I walked her to the bus stop and she said "Ok but two things. numba one:Dont Cheat on me and two:you cant act like we aint together". I said ight no problem. We kissed for the first time it was magical. I loved it it just felt so right. So me and her were happy with each other and we had our fun. Then after a month and a day we broke up. Her reason was that her father heard a convo between her and her cousin about me. He confronted her and blah blah blah blah. Now personally I believed she cheated on me cause the next day my friend told me he saw "ma girl makin out with some guy on campus" So that lead me to logically believe that she broke up with me to be with him. The night we broke up I was in my friend's house. I cried because I didn't wanna break up. I really liked her. She was my first girlfriend. I thought my world was tumbling down on me because I never thought I was gonna find another woman. Boy was I wrong!!!!

Junior year I was eager to start a relationship with a woman. Thats when I met her. My goodness I just couldnt believe my eyes. She was just so beautiful and sexy. I wanted her to be mine. I quickly started off a convo with her before our class started. We became good friends after that day. One day I asked to walk her home. She cconsented and I was odee happy. Now I don't remember what lead up to the moment, but before I left, I kissed her. Her lips were so soft, she smelled so good and I figured that "she wouldnt just let any guy kiss her so she had to like me". I went home all happy feelin all big and bad cause I thought she was gunna be ma next girlfriend and she is a badd mami. Man was I in for a surprise. I asked her if I can walk her home again and once again she said yes. We both were walking and talking and before I was about to pop the question, this douchebag comes out of nowhere and starts talking to her. I was soo pissed. The asshole just had to ruin it. Fucking Jerk. So a few days later I "caught" her walking home. When she saw me I could see that she was kinda annoyed b/c I walked her home like 2 days straight. But I wanted her and I wasn't in any way prepared to let the opportunity slip. So I popped the question and unfortunately she rejected me for whatever the reason was. From that point on I would try to make myself appear occasionally near her class because I wanted to see her reaction. At times she would say Edwin!! or Hi Edwin and I enjoyed the attention. Call me a stalker but hey I had a big thing for her. I was unsuccessful trying to win her heart and I thought maybe I should just let go. So one day I left her a comment on myspace, and all of a sudden she hits me up on aim. I couldnt believe it because everytime I would IM her she would only say hi and thats it. So we started talking and we would I.M and Text all day and into all hours of the night till we were tired from that point on. Everyday the same time frame I would always have my phone in my hand texting and I.M.. So one day I asked if I could come over and chill? she said sure. I went and we spent about an hour together maybe a little more. I wanted to kiss her so bad and ask her out but I thought maybe I lay back and chill for a while because I remember her saying that she doesn't like when guys try to kiss her and if she wanted a kiss she would let it be known through her body language/actions. So I chilled and waited to see where it took us. So after about 2 and a half months of texting, IM, and chillin together we became closer and closer. One day she called and asked if I can go with her somewhere, and I said of course. So on our way back we start making jokes, laughing at each other, blah blah blah blah blah. So we were in the elevator at her crib. We start flirting and I don't remember what we said during our flirtatious convo but as she left the elevator she said "kiss my ass" I said "werd, come here then" She came and slowly and flirty-like shaked her ass. I grabbed her and put her ass on me. No resistance and she laid back on me. I decided to lean in and she leaned in and we finally kissed AGAIN. I loved it. I was in heaven. I felt she loved it tooo because I didnt feel her resisting nor trying to end the kiss. As long as I was kissing her she wouldnt leave. She would lean in my arms and we would kiss for a good minute and stopped. I tell yuh I was really in love with her. Now for the record me and her were never a couple officially and I dont think she saw it as dating. Im not sure how she saw it. I assume that she probably saw it as a "Summer Fling" I really dont know. But it was more then a summer fling to me. I was in love with her. Its amazing because I really never got her true input on how she felt about me until the end of summer around september. Once I found out that she didnt feel the same I felt hurt, sadness, depression, etc. I was beating myself up wondering what was it that I did wrong. Was I not aggressive enough? Was I too aggressive? Was it something I did that turned her off?? I just couldn't for the life of me figure it out. I still have feelings for her and I still love her with all my heart. If I was given a second chance I would for damn sure do things a little different and without changing my personality. I can define love with this definition. "A Genuine unconditional care for someone/thing you care about. "Another definition which I looked up "A warm personal attachment to another person"

I'm the type that loves meeting new people. Whether it's outside, in school, or online. I love joining chatrooms and Social networking because you never know who you might meet. Especially women. Some people may think its lame but I don't. I think chatrooms are good ways to connect people. Despite unfortunate mishaps with online chat, I think overall its pretty cool. when I had Boost Mobile, I joined a chatroom called Boost Hookt. I met this girl and she seemed pretty cool. We chatted and we decided to go out. I made every attempt to try and meet up with her and see her. But I never got to see her. She would make up these excuses. And it got annoyed. So we had an argument and I never spoke to her again.

I also dated a beautiful girl from California. She is so sexy. Now I never seen her but she was awesome. We would call each other and talk for hours. She and I would've been perfect if she lived in New York.

I met this girl on myspace. She lived in queens but moved out the country for whatever the reason. I like her alot and she feels the same. Unfortunately long distsnce relationships don't work out the way we want to so we were together in the relationship for a short time. We have fun talkin on aim and facebook. She's sooo funny. She is Egyptian. Can you believe it?? Egyptian!! She is soo beautiful. Like She is the most gorgeous girl in the world to me. I can't wait for her to come back to New York so we can catch up.

There was this girl that I didn't mention earlier in my blog. I had such a crush on another girl back in Junior High School. Gosh she was sexy for a youngin'. I was feening to be with her. I never got the chance to back then. But last year I started a relationship with her. She certainly did change since J.H.S. She is cool even though I have to say I truely believe that she is a religious freak. She would always say she hopes I do well "on my Journey" in life in her religious angle. I'm not religious but I do believe that God exists. Thats one thing I disliked bout her. But overall she was a cool girlfriend. Even though I have to say that she was a jealous freak. In fact she broke it off b/c she thought I was cheating on her which isn't true. I didn't cheat on her.

Now out of all places, especially a place like John Jay there are women everywhere. Sexy ass latina women everywhere. There's a Latina professor at the college who I would love to fuck so bad but there's only a slim to zero chance that will happen. Now during the spring semester I met this girl. I sat next to her when the semester started and I thought she was beautiful. I fell in love with her eyes. her eyes are so beautiful and clear. She makes herself look so pretty and does it well. She really is a beautiful woman. We started to sit next to each other more often and we would talk and laugh, make fun of the professor and each other few times. So one day we chilled in this empty corrodor and laughed like we always did and made jokes. We were kinda flirty toward each other. Our bodies would touch one another. And I just wanted to hold her. So after a good laugh I grabbed her soft body and leaned against hers and she leaned on mine. As I lifted my head off her shoulder our lips were close to each other and the moment to kiss came. Once I went in she stopped me and said in a sad voice "I can't". She really couldn't because she was in a relationship but I kind of seduced her and said that to her "he not goin to find out" and we kissed. osh I loved it. Her soft lips and long ass tongue omg. When we stopped I wanted more but she stopped. When I walked her to her class I tried again and she said no. So I kissed her on the cheek and left. I felt so guilty afterwards. I knew she felt the same way I did but sadly she was in a relationship so it was a no-go. It took me a while but I finally got her to tell me how she felt bout me and I was right.

I really wish me and her were together I really liked her. But I guess we always can't have what we want. So I'm just gonna chill and do me for now. I look at the bright side of this, I don't gotta worry bout spending money on no one, I don't gotta worry bout spending time or obligating my time to someone. I could just do me, make ma money, go to school without a girl lookin ova ma back and no drama. I could just do me. Now don't get me wrong if I meet someone I would definetly give it a chance and see what happens. But for now I'm on ma solo flow just living ma life to the best of my ability.